Building Real-World Connection Skills: A Free DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness Worksheet
DBT · DBT · Practice-informed
A skills handout for the moments that feel harder than opening an app: asking for what you need with DEAR MAN, keeping a relationship steady with GIVE and keeping self-respect with FAST. It adds a menu of alternatives to reach for when an urge is high and a short guide to urge surfing, which pairs with the Urge Surf and Diary micro-tool. The skills come from the DBT skills training manual and are widely practised, but have not been trialled on their own for AI companion dependence.
Underlying mechanism: DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills with Alternatives to Compulsive Behaviour and Urge Surfing
What it helps with
- Giving clients concrete words for starting or deepening a real conversation.
- Building a personal menu of things to do instead of opening the app when an urge is high.
- Teaching urge surfing as a way of staying with an urge for a set time without acting on it straight away.
- Practising interpersonal skills in low-stakes conversations before higher-stakes ones.
How clinicians use it
- Rehearse DEAR MAN in the room on a real, low-stakes conversation the client wants to have this week.
- Build the alternatives menu with the client so it holds things they will actually do.
- Practise an urge surf together before the client tries it alone, and explain that the urge does not have to fall for the surf to have worked.
Clinical Implementation Guide
- Choose one real, low-stakes conversation and write the Describe, Express and Assert lines for it.
- Tick the alternatives the client is willing to try when an urge is high.
- Run a ten minute urge surf in the room, then set it as practice for the week.
What the worksheet looks like
| Skill | What it is for | In a sentence |
|---|---|---|
| DEAR MAN | Asking for what you need | Describe, express, assert, reinforce, stay mindful, appear confident and negotiate |
| GIVE | Keeping the relationship | Be gentle and interested, validate and keep an easy manner |
| FAST | Keeping your self-respect | Be fair, skip needless apologies, stick to your values and be truthful |
Clinical cautions
The skills assume relationships that are safe enough to practise in. Where available relationships are unsafe or abusive, prioritise safety planning over skills practice. Urge surfing is for behavioural urges and is not designed for urges to self-harm. This tool does not diagnose any condition and is not a substitute for individual face-to-face therapy or for emergency crisis support.
References
- Linehan, M. M. (2014). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
- Bowen, S., & Marlatt, A. (2009). Surfing the urge: Brief mindfulness-based intervention for college student smokers. Psychology of Addictive Behaviors, 23(4), 666-671. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0017127
- Harris, J. S., Stewart, D. G., & Stanton, B. C. (2017). Urge surfing as aftercare in adolescent alcohol use: A randomized control trial. Mindfulness, 8(1), 144-149. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-016-0588-7
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